What I Would Like For Christmas

I read a site called frequently and get a lot of ideas for dinner. I tend to focus more on the here and now than the future when it comes to food...Christmas is in the future after all though, and I came across this article about Samuel Adams Utopias beer . I believe there have been stronger beers and more expensive beers (Sam Adams Millennium, at least on eBay) but this one I have had and it is delicious...more like a beer-cognac than what you normally get from this brewery. I've also seen it for as little as $99 in the store. That is what I got the bottle for originally, back when I was young, foolish and had a lot of expendable cash.

If you, for some reason, would like to spoil me, this is a perfect way to do it. I promise to sip it slowly and enjoy it well into the New Year.

Time Flies

I can't believe it has been a month since I have posted. A lot has happened in that time...October has really sucked, for lack of a more eloquent term. I can't ever remember anything bad that has happened in November, at least in recent memory, so next Saturday will be a blessing.

We're staying in CO for Thanksgiving. Have a menu and everything...its going to be a lot of fun ~ both preparing for it and enjoying "the fruits", so to speak. I get Turkey Day off as a paid holiday and am taking a 3-day weekend after as well. I'm going to miss my family but Christmas will be less than a month away. Going to Kansas for that.

Hmm, what else. I'm not writing specifics of what has happened this month because most of it I'd rather forget. No one died, no one got sick or injured and all the basics (shelter, food, job/school) stayed the same. There was just a lot of unnecessary stress that occurred all at once.

I will say that tomorrow is the Certified Dietary Manager exam in Colorado Springs. I hope it is not too difficult. A little over 70% passed when it was given this past March and my work is paying for it...I'm confident, which has more than can be said of late.

Family Weekend

Dad and Peggy are coming out this weekend. I'm making a Greek dish tomorrow night for them...its called Pastisio and is a cross between manicotti and lasagna. There is bell pepper and eggplant in it and both marinara and bechamel sauces....I'm starting it tonight.

Last night I went to Crossroads Church for the first time...Its a really neat place and I'm going to keep attending.

I've always heard that it isn't possible to train a cat, but Yoda scratched my nose pretty good while jumping on me...I was laying on the couch. It doesn't really hurt but looks funny.

3 Things

What are the last three things you purchased:
1. Yoda's vet services (I still feel bad for that little dude and what he went through)
2. specific store-brand bread for a resident
3. hopefully the last groceries for awhile

What are the last three songs you downloaded:
Don't know the exact songs - but I know I recently downloaded songs from:
1. a bunch of Outkast
2. eric downloaded some Serge Tankian
3. probably rap

What are the last three places you visited?
1. Hot Sulphur Springs, CO
2. Lawrence, Kansas
3. various places in Michigan

What are your three favorite movies?
1. The Big Lebowski
2. any of Steve Carell's movies
3. Good Will Hunting

What are your three favorite possessions?
1. blankie
2. pictures of my family
3. my Las Vegas shirt

What are three things you can't live without?
1. Beetle
2. my bike/my family and best friend
3. Whistle and Yoda (the cats)

What would be your three wishes?
1. to approach every situation with grace and patience
2. To love everyone and never lose my temper
3. a long,ong healthy and happy life for everyone close to me

What are three things that you have not done yet?
1. traveled to Europe
2. quit drinking completely
3. grown my own vegetables, herbs, flowers, etc

What are your 3 favorite dishes?
1. sushi
2. pork belly
3. spicy food/salad

What 3 celebrities would you want to hang out with most?
1. Seth Rogen
2. Natalie Portman
3. the actress that plays Olivia on Law & Order: SVU

If you could describe yourself in 3 words what would it be?
1. hard-headed
2. resourceful
3. helpful

What are 3 things you are currently coveting?
1. anything from villainess.net
2. a plane ticket to kansas for Christmas
3. a Certified Dietary Manager...certification

Name 3 things you are unusually good at.
1. finding information on the internet
2. getting through difficult situations
3. dealing with physical pain

AIG Bailout

I used to work for a company owned by AIG...not saying names, but this is just another reason I'm glad I do not work for Fremerican Reneral any longer...
I'm kind of curious what will happen. I doubt they will go under, because they make quite a bit of money for "the mother ship," and a couple of my friends would lose their jobs. At some point, you have to realize that you are not doing anyone a service by helping them buy something they cannot afford and now especially, will probably get repossessed anyway.

On a completely different note...

I don't really think anyone reads this blog. Which is fine. I mean, I know several people who do, on occasion but it doesn't have a very big readership. I don't think.
I love writing in it and it feels so good to express myself in a way that can be saved permanently. I wonder what my (future) children will think about their Mom, in all her crazy glory.

Full Moon

The residents at work act a little different during a full moon. For example, today a resident made a "purse" out of a brief (basically an adult diaper). She saw all of the features of such a soft, yet supportive design. When we tried to give her a real purse, she said she liked the one she had because "nothing would get scratched in it." The resident's room is right across the hall from my office so I listened to at least 5 people try to figure out why she had her personal belongings inside a brief.

Later on was craft time. The residents were painting various wood items ~ tops (the spinning kind), pumpkins, etc. Apparently the paint smelled pretty good because at least one resident tried to eat it. Several others tried to drink the paint water.

Other topics right off the top of my head...

I really like Michael Cera as an actor, but he needs to learn how to play another character. Nick and Nora looks like a combination of Superbad and Juno...with a dash of the Rocker thrown in. Not interested.

I've been eating roasted jalapenos every day. I can't explain why except for that they taste so good and lately, the hotter the item, the better. And some menudo sounds so good right now!

Enneagrams are Fun

A personality quiz, its very interesting and fairly accurate...just 130 questions and a lot of information.

I scored highest on the Calmness (#9) trait, followed by Detachment, Perfectionism, and Helpfulness.

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 57% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||| 57% Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||| 31% Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||| 52% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||| 64% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||| 35% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 51% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||| 40% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||||| 77% Your main type is 9 Your variant is self pres

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Wouldn't This Be Nice?

We really need a king-size bed...just for this!

Food Quizzes

I'm a Glazed Donut

You Are a Glazed Donut

Okay, you know that you're plain - and you're cool with that. You prefer not to let anything distract from your sweetness. Your appeal is understated yet universal. Everyone dig you. And in a pinch, you'll probably get eaten.

What Condiment are You? I'm Barbeque Sauce

You Are Barbeque Sauce

You are a social person. You enjoy cooking for other people. You are both skillful and competitive. You enjoy mastering hard tasks. You appreciate complexity more than simplicity. Your taste in food tends to lean toward interesting flavors. You appreciate exotic spice combinations. You tend to like cutting edge, fusion cuisine. You get along with all personalities from a distance. Except salsa personalities, who always seem to annoy you.

Ice Cream Personality Test

Your Ice Cream Personality:

You are an incredibly modest person. You don't feel comfortable bragging about yourself... or even receiving complements. You are the type of person who likes to throw caution to the wind. You only live once, so you're going to live as large as possible. You are definitely a wild one! You are a very open minded, liberal, and flexible person. You love many things. You tend to have tastes that range from down home to cosmopolitan. You are a natural multitasker. You feel alive when you're doing more than one thing at a time. You are fun loving and sweet. You tend to enjoy joking around and teasing people.

Loss

Trying to remember what it was like before I met you is like trying to remember cold on a hot July afternoon.
From the moment we met, I knew how wonderful you were and wondered how I had missed out for so long. You brought new experiences and helped me find joy when there had been hesitancy and silence before.
You were not without pain, however. You hurt me and I allowed it, over and over again. Always promising to set limits, put up boundaries, avoid what I knew you would do. And somehow, you came to me, seducing me, coming deeper into my life.

The costs are high, I paid dearly in every way possible. I continue to pay, because I miss you like a friend. Like someone who has always been there. In every situation. Joy and pain, happiness and sorrow...you remain after I have thrown away hope and love, other friends and experiences.

Always you. Without you, you are here still. Your voice speaking to me. Sometimes loud, sometimes soft but always present and available.
I know you are not like this with everyone you know. There is something about me that lets you in, lets you get to me. This weakness is why I fight you.

New Definitions

I've defined myself by a certain string of phrases for a long time...drinker, sometimes partier, puts food in mouth (because of the aforementioned)....etc. I think before those definitions I was too insecure to realize how great I had it. The struggle to fit in, the lack of knowing where I was going...all led to some really awesome self-destructive behavior.

So now there are new definitions. I don't even know what they are yet. I do know that I'm being looked after by many, and finally feel really really safe. All the distractions seem less somehow.

I'm going to take the Certified Dietary Manager test in October. It involves a drive down to Colorado Springs, a 4 hour exam, and lots of studying. Work paid for the test, which was really expensive, and Mom paid for the overpriced study guide. I have that to focus on.

I also get paid vacation starting in September. I'm probably going to have to use some of that time when I don't want to, but thats part of the way things are right now. I'm going to be able to spend time with my family and not have to give up money to do it!

The Democratic National Convention is coming to town in late August. I feel lucky I don't live close to downtown. I am just not that patient ~ with traffic, with people walking on the 16th Street Mall, with standing in line.

I'm going to be at home a lot, when I'm not working or riding my bike. E makes hemp items...I might learn to do that. But first I have to study for that expensive test that promises lots of success and rewards if I pass. ;-)

An Interesting Quiz....

while I procrastinate packing for the looong weekend trip to Lawrence and think about exactly what I want to eat/drink for every meal on my birthday.

44 As a 1930s wife, I am Average Take the test!

On Direction and Purpose

I just read a blog entry on MySpace that a friend wrote about contradictions in her life, on finding direction after college and the admittedly sad state of this country. One of her points was that critical thinking is no longer rewarded or encouraged, we are taught how to take tests rather than learn and how to become "cogs in the machine."

In a lot of ways, I'm not sure critical thinking has ever been encouraged. People are often threatened by those who go against the grain; those who speak out in a new direction.

And then I thought about the free thought/ hippie movement of the 60's...was that rewarded? In a lot of ways, counterculture of every kind has become important in hindsight. I wonder what the non-hippies, those who needed to be providers, those part of a conservative society, thought about the people who will always be symbols of that time period. Did hippies create change or simply point out what needed to be corrected?

It is easy to look back and say, "I should've done that differently" or "why did I waste so much time?" If you are not willing to act, if you are paralyzed in some regard, you cannot grow. Changes do not need to be ground-breaking or even noticed by others, but they need to happen.

We cannot be the same person we were a decade ago.

What to Say

I make a collage every few years with pictures of people, photos and sayings. Some of the sayings are very meaningful and some are just snippets from a magazine.

One quote I am reflecting on more and more these days:
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning. "
~ Louis L'Amour

Thinking about that made me realize I have kept none of my New Years' resolutions, because the reverse is also true. You have to finish before you can begin.

I have a fairly good start on my resolutions now, which is more scary than empowering.

They say that making a serious mistake one time is natural, normal and understood by most. (Depending on what it is, of course.) Doing it again can be considered stupid, defiant or just not caring. I have been guilty of all of those things. While I wasn't capable of changing before, it is now time to do what I have refused to think about and work on.

What I have, I care about too much ~ it is too important to screw up.

Like the Red Panda

"I told her, 'You know what? You're like the Red Panda. Tomorrow everybody will be staring at the crowd and looking for you and you won't even be there.'"

When the days flow together and the sadness of loss becomes overwhelming, the thoughts of leaving all the drama, headache and emotional intensity of the life I lead behind intensify. To go somewhere, even for a little while, where no one expects anything and I am free to do what I please, sounds so nice.

I am realizing responsibilities that arise out of mistakes, of escaping one situation and finding yourself, as if in a dream, right in the middle of another, are beyond comprehension.

When I was younger, I used to ask questions about why things were the way they were. And then I would ask why, were those things the way they were. And I always got answers, which made perfect sense according to where I was at that time. As I grow older, I realize that many of those answers were falss, but gave me hope and the ability to act, instead of being rendered helpless ~ weighed down by the baggage of life in general.

And yet, every day, I cannot help but look for things, people, actions, etc that give true meaning to what I struggle with. And that keeps me here.

Gross, But I'd Eat It

I'm not really a big junk food person. I used to really really like sour candy and those fried mushrooms from Dairy Queen. Now, my biggest craving in that regard is hot wings. I love them and regret that Mojo's, the local hot wing joint in my hometown won't be open when I'm back this summer.

Anyway, I read this blog called Cooked Books. http://cookedbooks.blogspot.com/

It is about "all things culinary at the New York Public Library."

Anyway, the author writes about a fast-food chain I'd never heard about ~ Friendly's. http://www.friendlys.com/

The reason I'd never heard about it is that the closest location is in north-central Ohio.

However, they do have this ~ which is unique and slightly disgusting: the Fishamajig.

It is exactly what it looks like, a grilled cheese sandwich with mayo and breaded fish. MMMM.

In other news, this month is full of some pretty exciting changes, events etc. E is done with school until the fall, his friend Abby is coming out to visit, my friend Maelynn is coming out to visit, the kitchen at work has closed and is being remodeled...there's a new apartment in an entirely different part of town (a lot closer to work, which is nice) and more stuff that you'll have to contact me to find out. =)

Rats Are Good Pets, But Not Like This

Just taking a short break from work....yesterday was moving day (love the new apartment, its so much better than Aero Flats) and theres still a ton to do before the kitchen here at S'wood closes for remodeling...I get to power-wash again, which I swore I'd never do after my adventures as an intern at SP.

Anyway, I just came across this article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24317073/?GT1=43001

Basically, the lady had purchased rats, intending them for snake food. Maybe she had problems going through with this. Anyway, the rats overran her house, were "rescued" and now are going to be given/sold as pets. The rats would not survive in the wild because the lady fed them cat food.

I love rats. I have had them for over 7 years now and they are really good pets, as is mentioned in the article. However, I'm not sure these rescue rats would be suitable for pets. They've basically been running wild, for their entire lives and are probably not used to human contact or interaction of any kind. They did find 10 babies, which probably have the best chance of being good pets.

My dad had a rat named Violet who was a rescue from the Humane Society. She would run out of her hiding places to try to bite you. These rats, more than likely, will be just like Violet.

I'm afraid that the people who adopt these rats will probably either feed them to snakes or let them go into the wild when it becomes apparent they won't work as pets.

My suggestion, while not cost-effective or efficient, is to spay or neuter each rat and let them live in a colony of sorts. Have the lady who let them breed uncontrollably pay for this, or for them to be humanely euthanized. Don't make one person's negligence a bunch of rat owners problem.

Black Honey Deeps

I try not to be materialistic. But I love art and I love color and texture of all kinds.
So colorful makeup, (especially when it is limited edition, no longer available in stores and sold for a semi-reasonable price on eBay) rocks my world a teensy bit.

The old Emily would've snapped one of these babies up, no problem, but I'm going to resist. I need to save. Hopefully posting this here will help get the Clinique Black Honey Deeps Limited Edition Set out of my system.

Not Really Political

I am registered to vote. I didn't really do this on purpose, it was a question they asked me when I was at the DMV. It was actually the best part of being at the DMV that day. Anyway, so I'll do that. I'll pay attention when the Democratic National Convention is here in August. But otherwise...I usually skip those articles.

But, I've always been intrigued by Cuba. I've seen the country from a mile away and it looked rugged and nice. We weren't allowed to get closer than that. Because of the embargo, that country has always been kind of mysterious, kind of intriguing. One place that Anthony Bourdain on No Reservations couldn't go. They have mostly-male supper clubs, with fascinating cuisine....

Anyway, with the new leader, this might be the first foreign country I make it to. Probably not though, because this article sounds hopeful. A lot of changes need to be made, though.

www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/americas/04/02/cuba.freedoms/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

Why I Couldn't be a Vegan, Part II

Textured Vegetable Protein (TVP)...you could use this as packing material if it was wet and in large pieces. It just doesn't seem natural. The sad thing is that if you added enough spices, a pretty delicious equivalent to Sloppy Joes could be made.

I really think that using fake "cheez" to duplicate macaroni and cheese is wrong. Its not real food, and I have more of a problem with preservatives and additives than a piece of beef.
If you want to be vegan, get rid of all the dishes you want to copy that have meat in them and decide you want to create really great food that doesn't need a meat substitute. Don't get me wrong, there are wonderful entrees that have tempeh/tofu/beans, etc in them that have merit on their own accord.
I just found a chile-beer marinade for a vegan dish that would be great for meat..maybe there is a double-standard here.

Whenever I think about food for too long, at least in a practical sense, I think of the store where got started in this industry. The older I am, the more I work with people, (to be honest, I didn't have to deal with many strangers/customers/guests before I turned 24), ]the more I realize that that place was flawed. They didn't treat people in a way that made them feel comfortable, unless they were regulars, meaning people who spent a lot of time and/or money. In fact, a lot of the time I felt really uncomfortable and forced to fit into a mold based on who they thought I was.

I'll stop now. I don't miss the place, meaning the city, I miss the lifestyle. And that is shallow, but honest.

Why I Couldn't Be a Vegan

So I got this vegan cookbook from the library called Veganomicon, by Isa Chandra Moskowitz. I'm gonna ask for it for my birthday because I think a reduced amount of animal products is really healthy. I'll never stop eating meat because of the enjoyment factor....could never give up seafood and sushi.
Anyway, I tried a recipe with agave nectar in place of a refined sugar or honey (which isn't vegan) and really really didn't like it. I don't mind foods that taste fake..Diet Coke, which is alright or pretty good, depending on my mood and Splenda, which I deal with when there's no alternative.

Agave Nectar tastes fake and is real. This I have a problem with. Take some honey, add water until its really runny and add a slight bit of lemon. There you go.

In Case You've Lost Faith...

Weezer's Rivers Cuomo released a solo album back in December...I either overlooked it as crap or just didn't pay attention, can't remember. Its pretty good stuff. The video for Lover in the Snow kind of reinforced my opinion that Rivers is a big...jerk.

Maybe these are the beginnings of me seeing Weezer like I did back in 1999. That was a good year. 2006 was better ( not for them, for me).

I digress. Check it out. I'm not actually paying any money for it. Made that mistake with Maladroit. I'm going to have to hear the 6th album in its entirety (when its released in June 2008) and then might, maybe, perhaps I'll purchase it.

Here I Am, Rock my Bracket like a Hurricane

Its March Madness! My favorite time, other than my birthday, and...Fridays, in that order. I love it because it sneaks up on you. After Valentine's Day (which, I'm sorry, is Hallmarktastic) a few months until Memorial Day and then approximately 35 days until my birthday, I don't have a lot to look forward to. Unless you count moving and no vacation until September.
And then, all of a sudden, there is Bracketology, conference tournaments and chances for thousands of dollars that you and I, quite frankly, have a snowball's chance in hell of winning. But just the games, the times when you can watch to see if your team or that Cinderella (Georgia, Drake and UMBC, in that order) can pull out a victory, are worth it.

It brings me back to the days when my mom and dad would post a wall-sized bracket on the closet door and fill it out as the games were played. We'd watch the Big 8, and now Big 12 tournament and cheer for KU every step of the way. So there is a certain amount of nostalgia and family ties that go into this.

All I'm going to say is this: If you have no idea who a team is, you've never watched their opponents and aren't even sure who their best player is, please do not put any money on this team. I don't even care of your best friend's uncle the bookie says to. Just don't. Its March Madness and anything can happen.

except if this team is Kansas. You should put all your money on Kansas.

Portmanteau

I guess i could say, "Its been awhile since I posted a word of the day" but instead I'm going to just post one without further discussion.

Portmanteau. noun. plural: portmanteaux. A a word that fuses two or more words or word parts to give a combined or loaded new meaning.

I think my dad said this word to me. It seems familiar. He also taught me quite a few words throughout the course of casual conversation that I will maybe list here.

A portmanteau you might be familiar with: spork. Not a spoon. Not a fork. But something different. And when I got them from KFC, less useful.

I looked up the word blaxploitation, when it came up on Wikipedia regarding an ODB song. The song itself came from a movie of said genre.

Blaxploitation is an portmanteau of "black" and "exploitation" and refers to movies set in the early 1970s, usually in the ghetto and dealing with pimps, drug dealers, Afros and/or SHAFT.

A Hat

I'm not really big into hats, unless its cold outside. However, when I saw this jewel, I had an intense urge to purchase it.

I resisted the temptation but wouldn't that be a lovely accessory to a certain ivory dress??

Back Again

So I realize that I left things a bit heavy. Which was not my intent. My easygoing pace of life just doesn't let me focus on the negative and heavy for too long. I'm excited about where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do. I look back on the last few years and think, WOW, I could be living bored right now, unhappy and trapped.
Instead, I'm right where I want to be. There's a certain contentment, certain peace of mind that comes with taking risks, dealing with what happens and knowing you made the right choices (ok, maybe 85% right).

Right now I'm looking forward to taking the exam to become a Certified Dietary Manager. But right this second I just want it to be warm. Something above 50 degrees, a lot of sun and not much wind.

Never a Consideration

In the last few weeks, I've gone through quite a bit. Only 5 or so people know exactly what has happened, and as much as shouting my predicaments from the rooftop might be therapeutic, its just not going to happen. You have to just trust me when I say that getting divorced was small potatoes (and quite a bit easier) than what I'm dealing with.

The coolest thing is, after about a week, I'm totally at peace with it all. Everything was completely my fault, which makes it easier in a way. Many people can get away with their mistakes; I cannot.

Even though there are a lot of people around to support me, there is a certain amount of loneliness that comes with the uncertain and inevitable. At the end of the day, as my mother once said, you have to take care of yourself. And sometimes that just means taking it one day at a time.

This song is on a commercial...it makes me happy...enjoy!

Sara Bareilles Love Song Lyrics

Thoughts While At Work On A Sunday

The stock show is in town, which means there are more trailers, trucks and livestock on I-70 than usual. It also means that traffic is slow at really weird times. But this all makes sense ~ especially if you've ever been to a county fair.

What I find unusual is the Martin Luther King rodeo held tomorrow in conjunction with the stock show. I know when I think of racial equality, I think of cattle being roped and scary rodeo clowns.

The world's first antidepressant perfume came out recently. Its called Smiley (not making this up) and is designed to be uplifting. A picture of it is above. Notes include: Top notes of bergamot, orange and pimento berry ( instant picker-uppers and energizers). Middle notes of cocoa, praline and curacao "provide the joy" ... theobromine and phenyethylamine from cacao have an endorphin effect similar to eating chocolate. Bottom notes are patchouli, myrrh and musk. Unfortunately its not available in the United States ~ I would try it out at the local Sephora if it was.

I'm at work for a 1/2 day today because I'm manager on duty. This means I take care of anything that other senior staff would, but can't because they aren't here. I gave a tour, called maintenance and heard the nurses gripe.

Later today my mom is coming. I'm not sure what we're going to do. I get tomorrow (mostly) off because of manager-on-duty this weekend and its the "soft" opening of Indulge French Bistro, a really nice little place that E is helping to get running. I'm really excited about her being here and having what is going to be a really amazing meal.

a quote to reflect on

Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past.
~Henry Ward Beecher

Hello 2008

I think a lot of my life can be summed up by this great quote by the actor Steve Martin. I've changed it only to reflect present tense.

"Yes, these events are true, yet sometimes they seemed to have happened to someone else, and I often feel like a curious onlooker or someone trying to remember a dream. "

I was asked yesterday what my resolutions are and I responded that I want to make sure that they can be followed through on before making them known. Today I realize that there is no other option ~ to grow and become better, I need to have courage in every aspect of my life, to have wisdom to know what needs to be changed and the ability to follow through. The hardest part about this (almost overwhelming) resolution is that I can't do it alone. It is so much easier to rely solely on yourself and then, when failure occurs, to say well, I did my best.

A lot of life isn't about doing your best. It is picking up the pieces in whatever arrangement they fall in and putting them together again. Most times, the new configuration is better, or at least better suited to the new circumstances. You can't put a square peg into a round hole. =)

Both great and terrible happened in 2007. Much of it was because of choices I made. What I learned: you can't control other people ~ their decisions, their opinions, their ideas about what needs to occur. The people you need in your life are the ones who let you be yourself, who will be honest but also understanding.

I also learned: to lead others; that growth is painful and change inevitable, pain doesn't come with a timeline, jealousy is my Achilles heel, its ok to be alone but I'm not designed to be like that.

I'll keep you updated...hold me to my resolution!