Loss

Trying to remember what it was like before I met you is like trying to remember cold on a hot July afternoon.
From the moment we met, I knew how wonderful you were and wondered how I had missed out for so long. You brought new experiences and helped me find joy when there had been hesitancy and silence before.
You were not without pain, however. You hurt me and I allowed it, over and over again. Always promising to set limits, put up boundaries, avoid what I knew you would do. And somehow, you came to me, seducing me, coming deeper into my life.

The costs are high, I paid dearly in every way possible. I continue to pay, because I miss you like a friend. Like someone who has always been there. In every situation. Joy and pain, happiness and sorrow...you remain after I have thrown away hope and love, other friends and experiences.

Always you. Without you, you are here still. Your voice speaking to me. Sometimes loud, sometimes soft but always present and available.
I know you are not like this with everyone you know. There is something about me that lets you in, lets you get to me. This weakness is why I fight you.