Back Again

So I realize that I left things a bit heavy. Which was not my intent. My easygoing pace of life just doesn't let me focus on the negative and heavy for too long. I'm excited about where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do. I look back on the last few years and think, WOW, I could be living bored right now, unhappy and trapped.
Instead, I'm right where I want to be. There's a certain contentment, certain peace of mind that comes with taking risks, dealing with what happens and knowing you made the right choices (ok, maybe 85% right).

Right now I'm looking forward to taking the exam to become a Certified Dietary Manager. But right this second I just want it to be warm. Something above 50 degrees, a lot of sun and not much wind.

Never a Consideration

In the last few weeks, I've gone through quite a bit. Only 5 or so people know exactly what has happened, and as much as shouting my predicaments from the rooftop might be therapeutic, its just not going to happen. You have to just trust me when I say that getting divorced was small potatoes (and quite a bit easier) than what I'm dealing with.

The coolest thing is, after about a week, I'm totally at peace with it all. Everything was completely my fault, which makes it easier in a way. Many people can get away with their mistakes; I cannot.

Even though there are a lot of people around to support me, there is a certain amount of loneliness that comes with the uncertain and inevitable. At the end of the day, as my mother once said, you have to take care of yourself. And sometimes that just means taking it one day at a time.

This song is on a commercial...it makes me happy...enjoy!

Sara Bareilles Love Song Lyrics

Thoughts While At Work On A Sunday

The stock show is in town, which means there are more trailers, trucks and livestock on I-70 than usual. It also means that traffic is slow at really weird times. But this all makes sense ~ especially if you've ever been to a county fair.

What I find unusual is the Martin Luther King rodeo held tomorrow in conjunction with the stock show. I know when I think of racial equality, I think of cattle being roped and scary rodeo clowns.

The world's first antidepressant perfume came out recently. Its called Smiley (not making this up) and is designed to be uplifting. A picture of it is above. Notes include: Top notes of bergamot, orange and pimento berry ( instant picker-uppers and energizers). Middle notes of cocoa, praline and curacao "provide the joy" ... theobromine and phenyethylamine from cacao have an endorphin effect similar to eating chocolate. Bottom notes are patchouli, myrrh and musk. Unfortunately its not available in the United States ~ I would try it out at the local Sephora if it was.

I'm at work for a 1/2 day today because I'm manager on duty. This means I take care of anything that other senior staff would, but can't because they aren't here. I gave a tour, called maintenance and heard the nurses gripe.

Later today my mom is coming. I'm not sure what we're going to do. I get tomorrow (mostly) off because of manager-on-duty this weekend and its the "soft" opening of Indulge French Bistro, a really nice little place that E is helping to get running. I'm really excited about her being here and having what is going to be a really amazing meal.

a quote to reflect on

Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past.
~Henry Ward Beecher

Hello 2008

I think a lot of my life can be summed up by this great quote by the actor Steve Martin. I've changed it only to reflect present tense.

"Yes, these events are true, yet sometimes they seemed to have happened to someone else, and I often feel like a curious onlooker or someone trying to remember a dream. "

I was asked yesterday what my resolutions are and I responded that I want to make sure that they can be followed through on before making them known. Today I realize that there is no other option ~ to grow and become better, I need to have courage in every aspect of my life, to have wisdom to know what needs to be changed and the ability to follow through. The hardest part about this (almost overwhelming) resolution is that I can't do it alone. It is so much easier to rely solely on yourself and then, when failure occurs, to say well, I did my best.

A lot of life isn't about doing your best. It is picking up the pieces in whatever arrangement they fall in and putting them together again. Most times, the new configuration is better, or at least better suited to the new circumstances. You can't put a square peg into a round hole. =)

Both great and terrible happened in 2007. Much of it was because of choices I made. What I learned: you can't control other people ~ their decisions, their opinions, their ideas about what needs to occur. The people you need in your life are the ones who let you be yourself, who will be honest but also understanding.

I also learned: to lead others; that growth is painful and change inevitable, pain doesn't come with a timeline, jealousy is my Achilles heel, its ok to be alone but I'm not designed to be like that.

I'll keep you updated...hold me to my resolution!

Bleeding of Me

Apparently there are some people who pass out at the sight of a traumatic wound...some people pass out when they see someone else in pain/bleeding. I just pass out when I see myself bleeding. It has to be a particularly bad wound, or a fairly insignificant one with a lot of stress involved...its embarrassing but not anything can be done about it, according to the doctor.

My dad is right ~ I probably shouldn't use knives or anything sharp. I'm in a profession that demands it though, and I have gotten a lot better at being safe, concentrating and making sure that I know what I'm doing.

I can't wait for Christmas. It will be my first in "the fatherland" and I'm realizing how many people really care about me ~ at work, in my extended family and those I've just known a short time. There's a lot to be done before we leave next Thursday but the time will go quickly and I'm going to have fun.

Tonight is the apartment complex Christmas party and Monday all the dept heads are going out to lunch somewhere semi-swank. We get the rest of that day off. I just have to make sure that the food order is mostly done tomorrow so I can fully enjoy it.

Already, in my mind at least, planning trips...to Dallas to see my bro's new place, back to Kansas for my cousin's wedding...this won't be until next year, but still. For once, things are changing and its not traumatic for me!

Baby fever. Never truly understood it until recently.

Just Tired

I don't know why I can't do what I intend to do. I intend in trying to before I post again. Right after I posted this I thought, this is stupid, I'm being silly. But then I let it sit for a few minutes before writing anything else...just gathering things together, I guess. I thought about what 'rini and i talked about before...she's so awesome, I love her, two doctors, WOW!

I realize I'm fortunate for everything I have and will have in this life...just because of who I know, have known and will know...I just want to do my best and it stresses me out. I should be thinking about people at the end of their life; making everything the best I can for those I'm resposible for...its a lot of weight to bear as I walk out of the building everyday.

I realize I spent tooo much time thinking about semesters eand too little time thinking about people. We're going to a new church on Sunday and I'm going to refocus; spend most of my time concentrating on where I want to be.

When I think about living in Indiana, going to New Harmony, having kids, doing the best I can with what I have...I don't miss it. It makes me wistful, but also realistic...that wouldn't last long, for sure, my life would be short and sore, sad and I would report it as good.

I love you Grammy. I realize now how hard life is without someone you love so much. I just keep moving on...someday I will have a marriage like yours.

More Things, Maybe up to 20

1. I heard an En Vogue song today and I remembered how much I loved that group of ladies.
2. Whenever I think of something I haven't come across lately (like En Vogue for example), I wonder what they are doing now and if the aftermath of fame treated them alright.
3. It costs a lot more to live in Denver than in Indiana. How can it be less $$ to pay a mortgage but much more worth it to rent?
4. I think I've really gotten as stressed as I can possibly be for the holidays already and Thanksgiving isn't for another 2 weeks. I'm just going to chill and be relaxed...I think E (and the rats) like me better this way.
5. That movie with Michael Keaton--Multiplicity...or something like that, where the clones get dumber the more copied they are, reminds me of people at work. I think some of these people are clones of clones.
6. Sometime I'm going to ask someone what it was like being a man and how they like their new life as a woman.
7. I worry sometimes that I could lose the ability to keep what I say in my head from coming out of my mouth, resulting in something like #6 being said.
8. I think sometimes I say I'm bad with names because unless I really want to remember, I don't. Its just not something that sticks in my head without making a conscious effort.
9. I with there was an indoor amusement park close by. I don't even know if those exist in the United States unless you count Camp Snoopy at the Mall of America. I don't. I could really go for a nice ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl or Octopus right now.
10. Maybe the Office will be on TV forever. I know that forever is a long time, but it could be the first neverending show. I would settle for it being on as long as Cheers.
11. I can't get to 20 today. I need to do paperwork.

Understanding

I believe that everything happens for a reason...maybe not for anything significant (at least that we can figure out) but still, a reason. I think I work in a nursing home because of my confusion related to death. This will sound strange, but until I started working in long-term care, I was never able to figure out death. I understand that a body only lasts for so long, that the mind wears out, but I'd never been around someone going through that. It just seemed to me that death was like going away...I've only seen one dead person, ever, and at funerals prefer to think that they were just away for an extended period of time.

When someone dies, you have to make peace with what you thought of them and who they were to you. This is difficult when you have very little experience creating closure with those who are alive when they leave. I have found that it is easier to do this on a smaller scale, with people you hardly knew, and transitioning eventually to those who mean the world to you.

It still doesn't seem like Grandad is gone. And because of the bizarre way I relate to the difficult and uncomfortable, I honestly wouldn't be shocked if I saw him at Thanksgiving...I'd just ask him where he went and how the weather was. I know this isn't going to happen, but it is still my way of viewing death.

Lucky #13, (random things about me)

1. I think that getting older is more about attitude and adjusting than anything else.
2. A nice comfy t-shirt and jeans represents my personality.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. It also raises your blood pressure and will end up hurting you, not them.
4. Regrets are a waste of time unless you learn from them and are able to not make the same mistake again.
5. You know the saying, you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to? Maybe the illusion of self-love can be good enough.
6. I'm picky about friendship...its dangerous to be close to people only out for themselves.
7. I've never thought of myself as a risk-taker but according to Dad I am and compared to some of my family I'm freakin' Evil Knievel.
8. Is it wrong to do things just because the retelling of it will make a great story?
9. A lot of life is boring. Some of life is dramatic. You can change the balance but make sure you're able to deal with what you get.
10. I wish I had a Delorean that was able to time travel. I'd run into my future or past self and probably have no idea it was me..."dude that girl looks just like me and has the same clothes..."

11. Its really hard to know what to compromise on and what to let go...I have to say, is this really important to me?
12. So communication is hard for me, especially when you don't know how it will affect the other person, (who you care about or wouldn't be making this effort in the first place), so sometimes I have to take approx. 30 seconds of silence and figure out what to say.
13. #12 makes me feel slightly mentally-handicapped

We're Goin' Home Loki

"We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time... Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that... I... I think we may have to dispatch our-our would be dispatchers."

I freakin' love Dogma.

My other favorite quote:
"Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus."

Clerks and Chasing Amy rock the house, but Dogma has Matt Damon in it. As a fallen angel. I've always wanted to play hockey on a roof though. Chasing Amy has Joey Lauren Adams.
We'll call it a 3-way tie.

The day after tomorrow, partypartyparty. No specific plans other than seeing the family, drinking Octoberfest and lots and lots of food.

One Day at a Time

My head's been messing with me for awhile now...theres quite a bit of repetition at my work so the days sometimes get mixed up. Being in charge of people and dealing with their problems and the stress of running a kitchen...I guess I see life as a series of starts and stops, beginnings and endings, and I'm in a very fluid place. Something to look forward to ~ going to Kansas, everyone meeting E, seeing M. and my other friends again. I think, then what, what do I do to always be interested in life, to plan and grow as a person?

Spanish lessons - start Oct. 12th
Leadership class (for work) - Nov. 2

I'm really looking forward to this Friday though, Cymbalta hopefully and then Oktoberfest!

Robbery courtesy of Wal-Mart

You probably don't know how into Georgia O'Keeffe and her artwork I am...but its true. I was moved to tears by her museum and can't wait to go again. So I'm opinionated about this news article involving the artwork above.
Basically, the "Radiator Building — Night, New York" was given to Fisk University (an historically black school in Nashville) by Georgia O'Keeffe's husband's estate as a gift. Part of the terms of the gift were, as I understand it, that the artwork be shown at all times. The O'Keeffe Museum sued the The University for violating this term after Fisk reneged on their agreement to sell the painting, as well as rest of the 4-piece collection, for $7.5 million.

Why? They got a better deal, courtesy of Wal-Mart. http://www.santafenewmexican.com/news/68289.html

The End of the Beginning

So I'm starting the last week of my "experiential learning" at St. Paul Health Center. I've had an amazing time ~ learned so much more about a different aspect of food service; one that fits me really well. I'm able to clinically chart on medical records about food habits and diet-related ailments, relate to the elderly/disabled/handicapped (I was pretty good at faking it before) and be assertive (I wasn't very good at faking that before).

And now I'm preparing for the possibility of being a food service director at a long-term health facility. A leader, someone in charge. I'd never considered this kind of role for myself before.
I'm really open to every kind of challenge and difficulty...I don't welcome it, by any stretch, but am confident knowing that I could do my best and probably succeed.

On the downside, I'm avoiding two very important people in my life who I need to talk to and be open with. Its not going to be comfortable and I'm just so tired of crying. But I'll feel better after I do. Just have to take a deep breath and make the call.

Not Playing Nice

I'm a big fan of standup comedy. Especially creative ones who draw on life experiences rather than stereotypes. With some exceptions, of course. I'd heard of Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, etc. but the first I remember hearing was the infamous Martin Lawrence Saturday Night Live opening monologue. You know, the one so raunchy and gross that got him banned forever from the show.
I saw that with my Dad. It was like a trainwreck. We sat, transfixed by our embarrassment and disbelief.
Wait, before that was Jeff Foxworthy. I think. The timelines get kind of blurry. You know, blah blah blah "You might be a redneck."
I'm using that format to describe a pet peeve of mine.

When a girl, two girls, or even 3 are out having a good time, this is not an invitation for guys to come up, sit down and strike up a conversation. I'm not saying you can't say hello, offer a flattering remark or two, but chances are, you are not welcome to sit down.

Even more annoying is the often-presumed fact that the girl or girls in question would like your phone number. How do you know that she is, first of all, single and second of all, heterosexual and third of all, even interested?

I know the following isn't nice. But it is true, and makes me giggle a little.

If you have teeth that would make someone from Great Britain cringe..."she's probably not interested."
If you talk repeatedly about things in your life you would like to change, your clothes, ex-girlfriend, or your mother..."she's probably not interested."
If you lie about your age (especially if she finds out by asking your 'wingman', ''she's probably not interested."
If you try to act like you know about her career and have no freaking clue what you're talking about...yeah. Definitely not interested.

I could go on about racial slurs, ignorance in general, etc. but you get the idea. Some girls are polite enough to take your number and quietly throw it away. I really think that the best thing to do is to cut them off before it gets to that point. For example, when they sit down, do not accept a drink, say you'd prefer to be by yourself/with friends and if all else fails, move or leave as quickly as possible.

I undestand that most girls know these suggestion and have put them into practice many times. I'm assuming that there are those out there who are as naive as I am, or was and were under the impression that just ignoring the guy in question would be enough.

Age Ain't But a Number

So yesterday I turned 26. I didn't fightor dwell on it as much as I pretended to. I've already started to make some really big changes ~ personal and professional, private and public.

Life at Aero Flats is really close to perfection.

The more outgoing and personable that I'm becoming, the more I just want those closest to me to know what I'm really like.

People judge. I try not to do this. There's really no way to ever know the full story and its usually better that you don't.

Shaving legs is one of the services CNAs at the Health Center don't provide. I think that if I was ever placed in one of these homes I would explore as much as possible. There is a Wii, and free internet access and someone to do your hair and pretty much whatever you want to eat, whenever. I think just being here makes a lot of the residents really sad and/or angry.

Thoreau said, "To regret deeply is to live afresh." I agree with this but only if you are able to get over the guilt that often comes with regret. One of the things I regret is often taking the easy path, only to deal with something much more difficult down the road. Sometimes due to laziness, sometimes because of a lack of forethought and a lot of impulsiveness.

Living the right way at the right time, completely.

Experiential Learning

Monday was paperwork and a tour of the St. Paul Health Center kitchen. The last 3 days have been work from 5 am to 11 am or so, doing bakery and a.m. cook rotations. Tomorrow is my last day with Adriana, cooking for breakfast and lunch.
Honestly, its really difficult. Not the work, getting out of bed at 4:15 in the morning. My biorhythm just doesn't work like that. Next week I have 2 days each of starting at 6 am and 7 am which make me even more thankful for living close by.

I've really enjoyed living with Meredith and my little room in the basement. It will be good to move to a place with amenities including more privacy, a pool, a killer exercise room...and still a great location.

Rancho Liberio is my favorite new culinary find ~ a Hispanic supermarket with a great selection of produce, dried peppers, tortillas, 'underutilized' cuts of meat, amazing salsa, etc. Its very inexpensive and I'm not sure why. Maybe they bypass distributors. Definitely going to go there again and again.

My life as next-to-zero drama for the first time in years. Its strange but I am getting used to it.

Back to Basics

As I lay here, late on a Monday night in my mother's house, I can't believe how fast time has gone and where I am. I have achieved and lost much in a very short time. I'm happy to be in Denver but am enjoying this week in Lawrence. Driving around town was total sensory overload ~ I got so many snapshots of my life here all at once. It was like pressing fast-forward on a kaleidescope.

I've already been asked, and know my Grammy will ask as well, what I'm doing after I'm done with my co-op in August.
I really don't know but am just so glad I have June and July figured out, you know?

Tonight was great. I felt really weird and emotional but at home with Kristen and Jo. Now that school is over, I'm going to make staying in contact with friends and family more of a priority. Especially with you, M. Evansville was so much better after we re-met!

So tomorrow is going to be about sleeping, working out, reading, enjoying. I got the Green Van which also brought me back, oh about 10 years. Can't knock the hustle.

I know its probably out of the realm of possibility but Bell's would be the perfect way to end this trip and begin the loooong drive way back home. For some reason, I remembered how great Larry and Wendy's Wedding Ale was...maybe they have some bottled in the cellar.

I'm equally excited and scared about the future, but find solace in the fact that I won't ever be alone. Being lonely isn't necessarily a bad thing ~ sometimes it helps you reconnect with yourself; listen to what you've been trying to ignore, deal with the previously untouchable.

Long Time Coming

A lot has changed since I posted last. I moved to Denver, have a roommate named Meredith and a part-time dog named Caleb. He's not mine, but seems to be ok with me. Of all the Boxers I've known, he's the sweetest and least neurotic. I've survived Classical French Cuisine, Advanced Dining Room (and all the accompanying wine tasting at 8 am) and am loving International Cuisine. The biggest events coming up are graduation and co-op (internship).

I'm realizing that life can be hard or easy, depending on the choices you make. My parents tried really hard to make everything great and hide the consequences that came from say, not driving the best, not being with the right people and sneaking ancient liquor. I don't want to name names, (they tried valiantly, at times) but the substitutes I found for my parents were mediocre, at best. I'm really glad to now be "doing life" on my own. Not entirely, of course, but it feels good to know that my choices are my own and the results are equally mine. I chose to be here ~ in Denver, on Leyden Street, in culinary school.

Not everyone will agree with the choices I've made and will continue to make and I realize that. I hope there will be support though ~ I need that more than ever.

A new song

One of my best friends is going to a wedding on Saturday ~ her ex-boyfriend (they dated for 5 years) and his fiancee are getting married. Even though I never really liked...let's call him Shane...I think its cool that she's going to be there. Just to know that its real, like she says. I wish I could be there to go with her, or at least go out and talk after she's been so brave.

So tomorrow is the end of the Garde Manger segment. I've heard people talk about how they love being so creative and learning so much. I mostly agree ~ the food is gorgeous but no one (except for those like me, who automatically see a pretty terrine and think, "ooooh I bet that tastes good") really eats it. The labor part of it is really getting me ready for this summer, when I'll be on my feet for 8 hours.

What's coming up....
*Tomorrow (Thurs) is the first day of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, AKA the year KU surprises everyone by me, my Dad and other diehard Jayhawk fans....
*Friday I'm checking out apartments/rooms close to school. I'm excited but very very nervous.
*Saturday = St. Patrick's Day and hopefully more craziness than I've been part of in a long time.
*Monday is last day of GM and time to take a breath before French Classical cuisine